You know what’s weird? I’ve probably talked more about incontinence problems, memory hiccups, feeling lonely, and what people want when they’re dying than most of my friends ever will. That’s just part of the job when you’re living in someone’s home, helping them through their later years.
Recently, I caught myself thinking — how rarely we actually think about getting older, and even less about how it might affect our daily lives. Human nature pushes us to leave it to chance, hoping things will sort themselves out or that someone else will handle it. But the truth is, talking about ageing before it happens is one of the most important things we can do for ourselves and the people we love.
Ageing Creeps Up on Us
Getting older has this sneaky way of creeping up on people. One day someone’s happily doing their weekly shop, and then suddenly there’s a fall, or they start forgetting meals, or they need someone there around the clock. Families end up scrambling to figure things out in the middle of a crisis, always feeling like they’re playing catch-up.
The strange part is, we all know we’re going to age. It’s literally the most predictable thing about being human. Which makes it even stranger that we resist talking about ageing before it happens.
Why Don’t We Talk About It?
I think, especially in today’s climate, it isn’t popular to talk about ageing. We just bury our heads in the sand and pretend it’s not happening to us. It feels like getting older is a forbidden topic. Sure, we’ll make jokes about creaking joints or forgetting where we put our keys, but we rarely sit down and have proper conversations about what ageing actually looks like — the messy, uncomfortable, real parts of it.
We shy away from talking about losing our independence, needing help with personal things, or facing the fact that we won’t be here forever. And because of that, when the time comes, everyone’s caught off guard. The person ageing feels embarrassed or confused, families feel guilty and overwhelmed, and people like me — carers — walk into homes heavy with unspoken worries.
What I Really Wish People Knew
From my experience as a live-in carer, I can tell you there’s a huge difference when people have already had these conversations. Not just the legal paperwork (though that’s important), but the everyday human details that actually matter.
Things like:
- Who they’d want around them.
- How they’d feel about someone helping them wash or dress.
- What would make them feel safe and respected and still like themselves.
- Which little routines they’d never want to lose.
It’s so much easier to protect someone’s dignity when they’ve explained what dignity looks like for them. And that’s exactly why talking about ageing before it happens makes all the difference.
Having These Conversations Now Makes Everything Better Later
I’ve worked with people who had everything written down clearly, and others whose families never dared to bring it up. The difference in how they experienced getting older — and eventually dying — was absolutely massive.
Some people felt like they had control and their wishes were respected. Others felt like life was happening to them, with decisions made around them instead of with them. Even when families had talked, doubts still crept in: Are we doing the right thing? Could we have done more? So imagine the weight of decisions if those hard conversations never happened at all.
Just Start Somewhere
You don’t need to map out every detail of your golden years tomorrow. But we really do need to start talking about ageing before it happens — with our parents, our partners, and eventually, with ourselves too.
Talk about what actually matters to you. What makes life worth living? Where you’d want to be if your health changed. What worries you and what you hope for. Write some of it down. Make it a normal part of caring for each other.
Because someday, this won’t be hypothetical anymore. And when that day comes, you’ll be so grateful you had these talks.
One Last Thing
Getting older isn’t something that only happens to the people we’re caring for. It’s happening to all of us. Let’s not wait until we’re in the middle of a crisis. Let’s start talking about ageing before it happens.
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